The Complex Mind of Artemis Fowl: Uncovered
by Risika3
Summary: This fanfic follows artemis during his days at a boarding school. His mind works in devious, cunning yet humorous ways. I guarantee that reader is in for a trip. Unless he/she doesn't have a taste for the bazaar.
1. Default Chapter

Chapter #1  
  
Excerpt From Artemis Fowl's Diary. Encrypted.  
  
August 30th, 2003  
  
Feeble-minded fools. They think penning me up in this small boarding school will set me straight. Ha, I laugh at them. No matter where I am, I will still be the same criminal mastermind I was before. Relocating me to England simply puts me at a slight disadvantage, since I am miles away from my mansion and all my "supplies".  
  
After Holy mind-wiped me, I wasn't myself for a great while, but Butler's contact in Limerick set me straight. Still, as you can imagine, I was quite off for a great while, and during the duration that time, my father convinced me to go to boarding school. I obliged before I realized what hell I was getting myself into. Aside from that, I must see a councilor twice a week to "cure" me from my constant anti-social tendencies.  
  
I am keeping a record of each session with my new shrink, Dr. Maynard. This is how the first session  
  
Dr. Maynard: So, Artemis, we're here to discuss your anti-social tendencies. I suppose this stems from your not having companions your age back home. I mean, a Man-slave, formerly deranged mother, and criminal father hardly make the best playmates for a boy your age.  
  
Artemis: humph! This is hardly so. I'm certain my anti-social tendencies stem from my peers' lack of standard intelligence. Might I say, your chair is lovely. It's a real Victorian.  
  
Dr. Maynard: Why.Yes, it is! What a bright young boy you are, but your mind games shall not work on me.  
  
Artemis: oh really, I suppose then your much too smart to care about my past experience in an orphanage.  
  
Any self-respecting mediocre psychologist wouldn't pass up an opportunity to talk about a clients past experience in as an orphan.  
  
Dr. Maynard: do go on!  
  
Artemis: of course, it was all a mistake, because I am a Fowl by blood. Sadly, the day I was born, some lousy dull-witted nurse mixed me up with a different baby and sent me off to an orphanage. After three years my parents discovered the mistake by means I do not know. Nevertheless, by age 4 I was living in the Fowl manor.  
  
Now, this was an elaborate lie, even for myself, but the shrink seemed to eat it up.  
  
Dr. Maynard: you poor dear. Thinking you didn't have parents for those years. Why, someone's personality is dictated by experiences in the earliest of years. You must be  
  
Artemis cut her off.  
  
Artemis: yes, it's a real sob story. Now, you see, I'm sure you were about to point out that I'm suffering from manic depressive disorder and were about to give me a prescription of Lithuania.  
  
Of course, Lithuania is really a country, but it is also a concoction I formulated while visiting a conman in Lithuania. The concoction is nothing more than sugar and water, but I managed to get the formula to a prescription drug-store. Naturally, I smuggled it in as a new form of Arthritis medicine. No one really knows what's in there anyway. Lucky for me, this young psychiatrist was not up to par on her medical knowledge. She was eager to take the bait.  
  
Artemis: thank you very much for the medication. You're very stable, how was your childhood?  
  
Dr. Maynard: well, I lived on a lovely countryside with ducks and a pond. It had picturesque flowers.  
  
She went on and on. By this time, I was sitting in the real Victorian leather chair, and she was lounging on the patients couch.  
  
Artemis: hmm, I see. Well those conflicts with that girl, Julia, have caused severe psychological damage. I'd like you to write, in a letter, why you hate Julia so, and bring it to me next time we meet.  
  
Dr. Maynard: oh thank you Artemis.  
  
I manipulated another young psychologist. When will they learn? 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
  
Excerpt from Artemis Fowl's Diary  
  
September 4th, 2003 (encrypted)  
  
Once again, I am sitting in detention. When will they learn? I like detention. Ironically, detention is the only place where I can find solitude to do some planning. As one may have forgotten (after all, it is easy to forget), I am here because of my "anti-social" tendencies, and it is necessary that I find a way to get out this hellhole. I am constantly being shoved into these little "social-groups" so I can make friends, but honestly, how can I be expected to make friends with children who have an IQ of that of a horse fly. Truly, it sickens me. I recorded my last encounter with my "peers" in order to further study human behavior. It's funny, they are my lab-rats.sadly, I think the lab-rat would be smarter.  
  
John: hey you! The shrimpy little pale-dude in the corner, do you wanna play some b-ball with us?  
  
Ralf: he looks more like a ball than a playa. Later, little dude.  
  
John: BRO! Seriously, give little-dude a chance.  
  
Ralf: if I must. DUDE, get ova heah now, befo I have to use force.if you know what I mean.  
  
Sadly, my common "decency" forced me to at least introduce my self. Oh, who am I kidding.I had a coy remark ready, when the principal prodded me in the back with his pen. This was a more-than-subtle way of saying "get the hell over there, or it's back to detention!"  
  
I slowly approached the boy called Ralf, and whispered my snide comment in his ear. It was too good to go to waste.  
  
Artemis: honestly, how do you have the intelligence to come up with decent strategies for a complicated game such as basketball, if you don't have the intelligence necessary to put a proper sentence together? Really, I met orangutans from Uganda that were more intelligent.  
  
Ralf: Is dat an insult, little dude? Come on, bring it on!  
  
Artemis: I highly doubt that I can play this barbaric sport you call basketball. Seeing as I am lacking in the eye-hand coordination department, but my bodyguard, Butler, would love to compete against you two. Despite his intimidating appearance, I guarantee he has never played the sport of basketball. Besides, he seems to have "aged" quite a bit. He shouldn't be a challenge to you.  
  
Ralf: you mean we gotta play him? Fine, I guess he's an old dude right, man?  
  
John: uh.yeah, sure.whatever you say  
  
Ralf: BRING IT ON, sucka's.  
  
Artemis: before you begin this sickening practice, please let me inform you, that I am only doing this to prove one point.  
  
John: what's that, little dude?  
  
Artemis: I intend to show you that proper strategies can conquer a player of even your talent.  
  
Ralf: whateva, man.  
  
Artemis: Silence, you moronic-barbarians! I am taking a man of absolutely no prior basket-ball training, and letting him compete against you two. Of course, before the competition I shall come up with various strategies. Brains always beats Braun.every time.  
  
Ralf: Dude, he called us moronic-barbarians.  
  
John: Yeah, Bro. Little dude isn't so mean. At least he complimented us.  
  
Ralf: Go us, dude.  
  
It's pathetic. The two apes simultaneously jumped in the air and high-fived each other. I couldn't help but snicker under my breath.  
  
Artemis: then it's settled. We will meet back here tomorrow.  
  
John/Ralf: Peace, little dude.  
  
Then, because I was unable to find some peace and quite, I was forced to go up to the principal, once again, and find a way into detention. This is truly getting old.  
  
Artemis: Sir, I'm sorry to say that I will be forced to call my parents, and they will remove me immediately from this establishment.if you don't do something for me.  
  
Principal: And what may that be?  
  
Artemis: This place is horrific. I asked for Irish Spring Water at the cafeteria today, and the lunch lady laughed in my face. Not only does the faculty resemble a primitive tribe of Neanderthal's, but they also refuse to adhere to my.delicate needs.  
  
Principal: Off to detention, again. I'm beginning to think you like the place.  
  
At that moment, I have to admit.I made a mistake, as I rarely do. I muttered something under my breath.  
  
Artemis: that would be the idea, but then again, I wouldn't expect someone like you to figure that out.  
  
Principal: did you say something Artemis Fowl?  
  
Artemis: nothing principal, honestly, what did you think I said.  
  
Principal: I'm watching you, and because of that remark you just made, I'm sending Dr. Maynard into detention with you. No funny business, mister.  
  
Artemis: I must tell you. I did not make that alleged remark.  
  
Principal: oh yes, you did. I heard you!  
  
Artemis: I'm sorry to say, that would not hold up in the court of law. You of all people should know about the judiciary system.  
  
Principal: UGH, just go to detention, and stay out of my sight. 


End file.
